Happy Ending
by SkullBunnie
Summary: Alternate ending- Ren didn't crash and he didn't go to see Reira. Instead he paid a visit to some one on her birthday. Seven years later he's still alive and with the others but there is one person missing. Why? And who's at the door?
1. End of the World

**Ren**

"So you'll go be the first one to wish her a happy birthday?" Hachi asked. I could imagine her tail wagging hopefully.

"I have to retrieve Reira first. Then tomorrow we can both go and see her."

"You know where she is?" The tail picks up speed excited that somebody would be able to help Takumi.

"Yes, and don't worry I'll fix my mess. I'll bring Reira back then we'll go see Nana. You can protect me when I tell her all about my problem and she'll force me to quit. It'll all work out." There was a pause of silence before Hachi whined.

"I wish Nana didn't have to be alone tonight though. She must feel abandoned, but she'd never admit it." Of course I knew how lonely she'd feel. No one knew better than I did. We sighed our goodbyes resigned to face Nana's wrath in the morning.

Speeding on my way to see Reira I thought about Nana. Drinking alone. Working herself to death, to avoid going back to an empty apartment alone. Turning the television on in the morning and seeing whatever rumor the media was going to concoct about me speeding off to see Reira, alone.

"Aw hell," recklessly I swerved on the icy road turning abruptly and heading in the opposite direction as I made a phone call.

 **Nana**

Fidgeting in the back seat I glared at Ginpei. Why had the idiot decided to cancel all of my jobs at the last minute? Giving an excuse like it's my birthday only got my hopes up. I hated to hope that someone was back at the hotel waiting for me in that room. I didn't want to go back there if Hachi wasn't going to be there and what made my stomach churn even more was the thought that she would bring Ren. I knew if I went to that empty room and spent my birthday alone, I'd feel abandoned again.

"Gin, come drink with me." My whines fall on unsympathetic ears.

He gave me a stern look pulling me from the car and ushering me into the hotel. He pointed me towards my room,"Go straight to bed, no more drinking all night."

'There's no one in that damned room. It's empty and I will be alone tonight and tomorrow.' I mentally prepared myself for the heartache that I knew awaited me. Gin practically shoved me into my hotel room which to my dismay was empty. The slamming of the door behind me made it seem so final, and the thought that everyone had something more important than me, brought me to my knees by the door.

"I don't want to see hi…m…anyway!" sobs choked me and I could barely whisper the words I desperately wanted to scream at Hachi.

It wasn't like I needed to scream though, when the only one there to listen is me. I already knew it was a lie so there was no reason to speak it out loud. Still I wished she were there so I could tell her to stop making me think about him. Beg her to stop making me miss him. Overwhelmed by my hopes being crushed in that dark empty void of a room I cried. On the floor with my arms wrapped around my knees and my face between them I gave in to the pain and loneliness of being abandoned again.

I cried so hard I nearly miss the soft rap of knuckles on the door behind me. It was quiet and indecisive as if the person didn't know if they can knock louder. 'Why doesn't Gin just come in?' I thought slowly standing up. Rubbing my eyes I figured he must not have been sure if I had fallen asleep or not. I wanted to pretend to be asleep so he'd go away.

'All he wants to do was remind me of Ren anyway. Isn't that what all of them want? So I'll go running back to him.'

The knock came again and the barely audible beat on the door irritated me to the point of screaming at the damn thing. He just kept on knocking, "What the hell do you want?" My head snapped up curiously when a short pause answered my hoarse scream.

"Is it alright if I come in?" The voice caused a whimper to escape me and I cried harder. I didn't move to open the door and I didn't reply to him.

I didn't want to open the door, afraid that he wasn't really there and paralyzed from the hope that he was.

"Nana, I'm sorry I haven't called and I've been such a horrible husband." His voice was so loud and clear it sent shivers down my spine and an unintelligible noise left my mouth when I tried to answer him. "Nana? Please let me in."

I opened my mouth and surprised myself when a strong, "no," slipped passed my lips, filling the cold silence with a deafening echo.

"Nana." He sounded broken and in pain, my name a cracked whisper.

Suddenly the words passed from Takumi to Hachi to me replay in my head, 'If you don't want to lose him, return to his side now!'

"Nana, please." Caving I touched the lock afraid that if I saw him it will be all over before I had a chance to decide if I want it to be over or not. More than though, I was terrified he wasn't really behind the door.

The click of the lock scared me and I jumped back hurriedly moving away from the now unlocked door. I panicked as the door knob began to turn and I ran.

A hand seized my wrist and pulled me back to his broad chest.


	2. Angel Eyes

**Ren**

I am dreaming. I know it's a dream because I have had this same dream every night for the past seven years. It isn't really a dream, more like a nightmare of the same old memory. It plays on a loop all night until I awake to the blinding sunlight feeling even more exhausted than before I went to sleep. Still I would rather stay in the dream than ever wake up to my empty apartment.

I want to stay in that old apartment building where I had been hiding out. It was cozy there, even though it was small and lacking in the luxuries I had grown accustomed to. We stood by the homemade table staring at each other in room 707. That was the last time I looked into Nana's eyes. Heart broken and brimming with tears they stared back into mine.

"Nana, please don't go." What right did I have to force her to stay though, when I couldn't even quit?

"I didn't come here to ask you permission. I'm saying goodbye." Her watery eyes look up at me without the love and hope that had always been present before. "Goodbye, Ren. Get help please, for your sake." At the time I was scared to quit using heroin but I never wanted to lose her because of it, or rather I never thought she would leave me.

"My sake? I have nothing left, Nana. I can't play without it and now I'm losing you too." She said nothing but her eyes stayed locked with mine, pleading with me to take the key she held out to me. "Don't leave me." I never thought she would ever get tired of me. She had been angry and belligerent but she had always stayed.

No matter how much I had hurt her or our friends she had stayed with me. She had held me and fought to keep me with her when everyone else wanted me to go to rehab for help. Nana had said, there was nothing they could do for me that she couldn't. She gave up her career to stay and take care of me. Even after Reira left refusing to work with me ever again, Nana held me tight every time I went into withdrawal. And she forgave me every time I escaped our apartment in search of drugs.

Had she found something she loved more than me?

I touched the key and shaking fingers closed around mine. "I...I'm" looking back to that day I wonder what she had stopped herself from saying. Jumping away as if she couldn't stand to be touched by me any longer she dropped the key forcing me to pick it up. I heard her hasty footsteps as she ran away but I made no move to go after her.

Long after she had gone I sat in that room in apartment 707. She had left everything, even her cigarettes and guitar, and most of all me. Nana had left me.

Just as I do every other morning I wake up instantly when the dream loop decides I have had enough. I don't jolt awake, nor do I drift hazily into consciousness. I am just awake as if I had not slept at all. My eyes scan the vacant room and as always, land on the empty space beside me where my hands still cling for the warm girl who snuggled up beside me that very first time as if it was where she was meant to be. Nestled in my arms speaking softly as she fell asleep to the smell of my cigarette. Watching her sleep had calmed me in a way the cigarettes never could and I had slept peacefully for the first time in my life with her there.

Breaking my morning ritual someone rings the doorbell. I no longer live in a high rise secure building. Personal preference and a lack of recent work put me in a modest apartment with minimal security and no manager to intercept any paparazzi should they try to bother me. Lucky me, my lack of recent work has helped to make them lose interest but there are a few who hang around just in case I take a trip off the deep end again. Heroin and rehab sell magazines after all.

Grumbling about my ruined morning routine I throw off the covers and drag myself over to the door. In my haste I knock over a picture of Nana, the only kind of pictures I have are of Nana. I smile at her face, when just two years ago I would have thrown it at a wall cursing her. Placing it back in it's proper spot I breath in deep and let out the hurt and anger. She left for herself, not to hurt me, and I can't blame her for wanting to heal herself. I had to do that as well, I had to become my own person and heal myself.

A soft knock reminds me of my guest behind the door and for half a second I entertain the idea that it's Nana. I'll open the door and there she'll be waiting to see if the rumors are true that I am clean and completely sober. I haven't even had a drink of alcohol in two years and I threw out the cigarettes to avoid temptation. I will smile and pull her into my arms and this time I won't ever let her get away from me again. Part of me feels that if we came back together again we could love each other right and even enhance life for one another. If only she would come home.

I open the door hoping to see her. I had no such luck as there is no one when I open the door.

"Alright, Ren now you're losing it. Hearing knocks at the door." I scratch my head ready to close the door but a movement catches my eyes.

At the end of the hallway outside of my apartment someone peeks around the corner. She is small and timid like a kitten but I would know those eyes anywhere, even from so far away.


	3. Only You

**Ren**

Clasping her wrists I pushed my way into her room and kicked the door shut. Before I knew it I had walked us over to the bed and shoved her onto it. I held her hands above her head I hovered over her bending down so our noses touched. I needed the closeness, even though she was angry her touch soothed me. Large angry tears seeped out of clenched eyes to drench the pillow. She was frustrated with her body, turned on by my presence and even more annoyed by her heart beating so fast because of my closeness. It wasn't fair to her, the way I barged into her room, but I needed her. I hadn't realized how much needed her until I was on the outside of that door, so close to her but unable to touch or see her.

"Get off of me!" She screamed in my face struggling to break free. "Get out of here. I didn't ask for this." She continued to yell. telling me to leave her alone but I was unfazed and just stared down at her beautiful face.

"Say you don't love me and I'll leave." I finally said cutting her off.

Her eyes snapped open with a stern, "I hate you," passing her lips.

"That's not the same thing and you know it." I replied calmly smoothing her hair back and placing a kiss on her forehead. "I hate you sometimes, but I still love you. I hate myself most of the time, for the many ways I've hurt you. I hate some of the things I do but I still do them. I hate a lot of the things you do but I would never change a thing about you."

"I hate you," she shouted struggling to free her arms from my grasp. She bucked her hips trying to lift her foot to kick me. "I hate you, get off of me. I hate you! I hate you!" Crying harder she broke one hand free and slapped me. "I wish to god that I didn't love you."

Her struggles grew weak but she continued to hit and shove at me with her one available hand. I ignored the blows choosing instead to wipe the tears from her face and lay chaste kisses against her cheek and forehead.

"I remember," I breathed against her palm when she slapped my mouth away. "You were so beautiful in your red dress, I had trouble concentrating on my guitar. It was the first time anyone had ever stolen my attention from her. No one had ever made my heart race the way my guitar did, and all you did was stand there. Then I had to go so long not touching you." I took her hand kissing each finger as I spoke. The diamond ring sparkled at me from her ring finger, "that night you looked so irresistibly sexy in your mini skirt and jacket that I couldn't help myself. I had to kiss you. Consequences be damned I had to have you even if you killed me for daring to touch you. I had to have just one kiss before I died."

"I hate you, stop touching me." Her words were harsh but the pale pink tint coloring her cheeks betrayed her true emotions.

"You wore black panties and a lacy bra. You couldn't find them the next morning because I had taken them. I didn't know if you'd ever let me touch you again and I wanted a keepsake. So I waited until you fell asleep and I hid them in the back of my drawer. Every day when we couldn't get together I took them out to remind myself that you really were mine. I still have them." She looked up incredulously probably wondering exactly what I would do with them all those lonely nights I couldn't be with her. "I brought them to Tokyo with me. I take them on tour with me and when I go to England. They help me get through my sleepless nights."

"Pervert."

"Ha, I guess all I need is my guitar, a pack of cigarettes, and the panties from the night Nana gave herself to me." She didn't smile, I had been hoping for a smile but she shoved me off and rolled over done with the conversation. "You don't have to forgive me. I only came so you wouldn't be alone." She sat up on the edge of the bed staring at the wall but not seeing it. "I wanted to see you." I whisper in her ear wrapping my arms around her small frame. She had gotten thinner since the last time I saw her, it worried me to think she wasn't taking care of herself. "I brought you a present."

After a long pause with us just sitting on the hotel bed she turned in my arms. "Why?" Her arms snaked around my neck and her legs straddled my hips. "Why are you here, don't you have some place more important to be?"

I hugged her back. "I am exactly where I want to be. I told you, you're the only one I ever wanted more than my guitar."

"But I'm not what you want." For once I didn't understand what she meant. Hadn't I said that I wanted her? She touched my face drawing a line down my chin to open my mouth. "You want a proper wife, who cooks and cleans and waits for you to come home."

"You cook and clean and sometimes you get home first. I don't mind taking turns waiting on each other. As long as you do the cooking or let me order food. I don't wanna give you food poisoning with my terrible kitchen skills." This earned a small laugh then she scrunched her nose remembering.

"That was gross, never cook for me again."

"I promise to never handle the food again." It was heaven to see her smile but it faded as quick as it appeared and she closed up once more. "Hey, look at me. What gloom and doom place is your mind living in now?"

She sniffed and her arms tightened around my neck. "You want a wife who will give you children. I can't do that."

Sighing I reached up to remove her arms from my neck and take her hands. "First of all you would be a great mother. Second," I forced her chin up so she had to look at me, "I want you and nothing you say or do will ever change that."

Unconvinced she shook her head and tried to remove herself from my lap. I refused to let her get away from me and gripped her hips to hold her tighter to me. Friction where our groins touched caused a groan to escape my mouth and I ground her hips against me a few more times until she was releasing her own involuntary noises. I took her lips in mine for a passionate kiss, plunging my tongue passed her open lips.

"Tell me I don't want you Nana." She couldn't stop her hips from moving against me and it bothered her being so out of control. "Say it if that's what you believe. Tell me how much I want a tame and obedient wife. I don't want my crazy, unpredictable wife," she threw her head back giving in to the feeling her body had been craving for so long. I kissed down her throat, "Sexy," I bit her neck eliciting a cry of pleasure, she repaid me by clawing down my back with her long nails. "Tell me I don't like the color red and I hate staying up all night with you."

"Ren!"

"I love you. I want you." I gripped her head and pulled her lips down to mine. This fight wasn't over but I had managed to quell her gloom for a while.


	4. Mine

**Hana**

"He is my father and he will love me, or he is my father and he will wish I had never shown up at his door. Or he is not my father. No, no, he is my father. He has to be. No he doesn't, mom only said she dated him, but the old article I found said they were almost married. I almost grew up in a normal house with a mother and a father. Would mom have been happy then? If she had gotten her prince and a castle, complete with a little princess. No, she probably wouldn't have had me." I mumble to myself as I walk down the hallway up to the door that could possibly hide my father behind it. "What should I say? Hi, I'm your daughter, love me. Hey dad, nice to meet you. No, no, no, why is this so hard? Hey Ren, I ran away from home, please adopt me. Oh by the way, Nana's my mother. What the hell is that noise?"

To my surprise my finger is ringing the doorbell. I gasp jumping in panic, but still I wait by the door. I anticipate a confused face staring down at me. He will look at me and not know who I am, and that thought hurts. I can feel a rush of pain as I imagine my own father asking me who I am. He will think I am lost or that this is a prank. He will send me away. He'll call the police and have them take me back home. No one comes to the door, and I feel like I have been waiting forever. Impatient I knock a few times.

"This must be why Nana left you. Making a lady wait so long is bad manners." I hear footsteps and my heart jumps. "No, wait I'm not ready." My feet are carrying me down the hall before I even finish the sentence.

"Stupid! Stupid, Hana! Why did you think this was a good idea? You're so stupid." I scold myself quietly. The door opens and a masculine voice mumbles something. "What were you thinking? The godlike rock star would open that door and invite you inside and say 'of course you're mine. I'll take care of you and love you forever.' No! He'd never say something so stupid, he won't want you."

 **Ren**

The little black head ducks behind the wall and I marvel at the height of her, or lack thereof. From here I would guess she came up to my thigh. A strong magnetic pull moves my legs forward and I quickly cover the distance between us. I make it to the corner just in time to hear her give herself a pep talk.

"Of course he wants to see you. Mom said he always wanted kids, it was her who left. She's the only one you should be afraid of, he'll protect you from her. Oh god mom! She's probably so pissed." Her words give me cause for concern. Did her mother mistreat her?" I bet Kenta is there comforting her. Weaseling his way into her life. I can't believe I trusted him. Wonder what dad will have to say about that. God Hana you can't call him dad yet, what if he doesn't want you?" She slaps her face and her mumbling is beginning to remind me of Hachi. If I didn't know any better I'd think she and Takumi had another kid. "Ren will want you. He will look into your eyes and fall in love and be everything you ever wanted your father to be. I hope he isn't still addicted to drugs. Oh what if he has a girlfriend and kids?"

"I don't." I say feeling a need to stop her from driving herself crazy with her rant. She screams jumping out of her crouched position and turning to run. "Hold it young lady."

Catching her by her shirt I lift her up in the air. I hold her before me examining the slender body, and those eyes, Nana's eyes. Her black hair is wild and long unkempt as it is, it reminds me of Nana explaining to me why she preferred her hair to be short. It was still a mess even when it was short though, sticking up every which way.

"You're rather pale. Torn clothes full of spikes and chunky black boots? You're like a mini Nana." I set her back down but keep a hand on her arm. "Where are your parents? It's a bit early in the morning for you to be wandering around by yourself."

She looks down for a moment face looking grim, "I sort of ran away while my mom was on a date. I waited for my babysitter to fall asleep then I sneaked away with my saved up birthday money." A sheepish smile lights up her face. "I found out where my dad moved to and I wanted to see him just once."

"Hmm." I nod knowing the feeling better than she could imagine. "Your mother must be worried though. When exactly did you run away?"

Shame faced she replies, "Two days ago. It took a day to get to Tokyo by train. Then I got lost but somehow I found my way here. Mom must be crying."

Feeling sorry for everything I had done to drive Nana away I kneel down and offer the girl my hand.

"I'm Ren." Taking a chance I ask, "Is your mother Nana?"

"Yes! Nana, she was your girlfriend, right? She's my mom. Seven years ago she ran away from home too." Her eyes brim over with tears and she flings herself into my arms wrapping her thin long limbs around me in a constricting hug. "Hana! My name is Hana Osaki, but if you would allow me to, I want to be Hana Honjo." Doing my best to catch my balance and not pass out from the shock I hug her back just as tightly.

"Hana?" I have a daughter. "You're mine?"


	5. Drive Myself Crazy

**A/N: Crazy. Crazy Crazy! Yeah it's really messed up**

 **Ren**

"You haven't told her yet?" Hachi seethed under her breath. She had expected me to confess my addiction to Nana right away but when she arrived it was immediately clear to her I had no true intentions to ever tell her. I had used the excuse of not wanting to ruin her birthday but that was over a week ago. "Isn't she suspicious as to why you're really here?"

"She knows Reira hasn't returned yet. I think she feels sorry for me." I tried not to let on that I had been choosing my words and actions carefully all week in order to gain more sympathy from Nana.

"You need to tell her. How are you hiding your withdrawal symptoms from her?" In truth there were no withdrawal symptoms to hide because I had been using again. Not as much as I would if Nana weren't around but enough to keep me normal.

If I ever did act strange, "I told her I think I'm catching a cold."

"So she'll feel sorry for you and feel even more obligated to forgive you?" I had never seen Hachi look so disappointed. She was maybe even a little bit disgusted by me but I couldn't seem to make myself care. I had Nana and I wasn't going to lose her again, not even to Hachi. "Tell her about your problem or I will."

It must have been too long since my last fix. I was suddenly angry and without my permission my hands gripped the small pregnant woman's shoulders tightly. I pulled her closer to me and whispered in a low menacing voice, "don't come between us Hachi. Nana is mine and you're lucky I share her with you. Try and break us up and I will end you." That was the first time I had threatened one of my friends with such force and meant it. It wouldn't be the last.

"What's going on?" Nana asked stepping into her dressing room. I had forgotten where we were but her voice pulled me back from the dark place.

"Nothing." I lied releasing Hachi who fell to the floor shaken by my sudden lapse of character. "I just need to go clear my head. I'll take a walk."

I hadn't really put it together then but Nana knew exactly what was going on. Even though I heard her making excuses for me, 'Ren's just not feeling well,' and apologizing for me, 'I'm sorry Hachi he's stressed,' and 'no Ren's fine, I'm sorry he overreacted.' She lied and she defended me to our friends and eventually to the media and our fans. 'Sorry Ren's had a bad day. He'll autograph it next time.' 'He didn't mean to miss the interview, he was up all night working on new songs and overslept. It's my fault really, I should have woken him up on time.' It went on and on like that for weeks without her demanding that I explain myself to her or telling me that she knew.

Then one night I returned home high and drunk. The sight of her packing a suitcase sobered me up quite a bit.

"Where are you going?" I panicked flipping the suitcase off the bed. Her clothes flew everywhere and I threw her down on the bed.

"Hachi's gonna go into labor any day now I'm going to go stay with her." It was a story they had made up together so Nana could leave me, that's what my paranoid brain said it was at least. "Let me go." Emotionless she stared up into my hazed eyes. I knew she knew then, she had known for a while.

"Who told you?" I asked feeling the effects of the heroin once more. I slid to the floor freeing her but she just laid there on a pile of clothes.

"You did. You're always tired. You've lost so much weight and sometimes you just lie on the floor staring up at the ceiling and seeing nothing. I think I've known since before you asked me to marry you," her hands slid down to the hem of my shirt and she pulled it up to replace it with a clean one. I hadn't noticed the alcohol I had spilled all over it. "You don't take care of yourself. You don't eat and there are nights when you stay up pacing the hall or using my body to find some sort of peace. The peace doesn't come anymore though, does it Ren? No matter how you try or how much you love me, you're so addicted that only the heroin can satisfy you."

She stood up, scaring me so much that I slapped my hand around her wrist. "I need you."

Icy facade melting, she joined me on the floor and pressed our foreheads together. If I had loved her enough to let her go then I might have died that night. The pain of watching her go would have been too much for me and I would have snorted more and more heroin until I was numb. With her arms wrapped around me and her strong voice telling me I was going to quit I felt like I had a firmer grasp on my addiction than I actually did.

"I'm so sorry Nana. I will quit. I swear to you this is the last time. I need you not the drugs. I love you." I began to cry in her arms. Pathetic and blubbering I sincerely vowed to quit all my bad habits. When I said it I had meant it, problem was heroin had a way of making me forget my promises.

 **Nana**

"Ouch, Ren stop it," shoving at him I pleaded for his harsh kisses to cease. He ignored me and instead bit down my chin to my neck.

"Ren! Nana said to stop. Ren!" Reira tried pulling him off of me but he didn't even notice her weak hands. "Ren!" She shoved uselessly at him and he bit down on my neck practically growling.

"Just go, Reira," I excused her from the apartment. It had been foolish of me to leave him in her care but I had needed a break.

Everyone else was busy with work or new babies and Reira had offered to help. I still hated her but she didn't deserve Ren's aggression. His withdrawal pains made him cranky and of course he couldn't sleep, and even if he had the strength to eat, anything he put in immediately came out. She hadn't known how to calm him down when he was starving but could find nothing to eat. She couldn't sing him to sleep when noise made his head hurt and he curled up like a baby begging the world to stop spinning. She didn't know how to talk him out of his search for drugs or how to get him to ease up on the alcohol, not like I did. She didn't know and she didn't deserve the slap he had given her when she took his bottle away.

"But," she was torn. Obviously she wanted him to get better but she was also afraid of him. She didn't want to be hurt by him again and she didn't want him to hurt me either.

I had come home to find him ripping at her clothes. He was drunk and I knew how to handle a drunk Ren, but Reira clearly didn't. She was screaming at him to get off of her and crying. I slammed the door catching his attention. He looked up at me for a second then back down at Reira cocking his head in confusion. It took him a minute to place her face to a name then he began to laugh hysterically rolling off of her.

'Here,' I had begun to help her fix her clothes. A lapse in judgment on my part. He was a jealous drunk, and a mean territorial bastard when he was going through withdrawal.

He gripped me by the hair and began to mark me as his. To reassure Reira I smiled as best as I could.

"It's alright. I'll take care of him. You can go get that eye looked at." A bruise had formed over her right eye and I didn't feel so envious of her anymore. She had fallen out of Ren's favor and in my twisted brain that made me special again.

Reluctantly she left us and my torture began. It was like the door shutting was a signal for him to unleash his rage. Complicated lust fueled anger took over his actions. His hand on my neck choking me he dove in for a kiss. Biting my tongue Ren ripped my shirt open then he yanked my bra so hard the clasps cut across my back. He pulled it off tearing the straps and bruising my arms.

Catching up to what he was doing I caught his face in my hands and tried to calm him. Kissing him back slowly to get him to be more gentle didn't have the desired effect. He grew more irritated with me and gripping my neck tightly he lifted me in the air and threw me on the couch.

"Ren," he climbed over me, body trembling until he grabbed my hair with one hand. His other hand pulled my skirt up while his legs pried mine open. "Ren, I love you." I tried to redirect his hands to safer places on my body. We had an agreement that we wouldn't have sex again until he could get through a whole day sober. Angrily he shoved my hands away and forced my right leg up to his shoulder. "Ren, please that hurts."

He wasn't stopping and I was starting to regret sending Reira away. His hands were too rough and his eyes were so glazed I didn't think he was even awake. A zombie going through violent motions to rid himself of the pain. We fought, shoving and pulling at each other. I tried to cover myself feeling an unfamiliar sense of shame when he looked at me, until I realized he wasn't really seeing me. It was the drugs he wanted, and he was trying to use me to fight that need. Even if I begged, even if I cried, he couldn't stop until he was too exhausted to go out searching for more heroin.

"Ren, please!"

He stopped abruptly. He had been kissing so roughly down my throat to my chest, that bruises were forming. He stopped over my left breast then I watched the drunken adult melt into a child desperately seeking a mother's love. He lowered his head to my breast turning so his ear rested over my heart.

"I'm so sorry Nana." The many stages of a drunken Ren. Angry, jealous and abusive can turn to depressed, lonely and apologetic in seconds. "I'm an asshole." He slurred his words but I knew the language of a drunken Ren well.

He always repeated the same things, apologizing and self deprecating sinking into a hate fueled rant about what a lowlife he was. I had heard his rant so many times I was numb to it and maybe that's why he had become more and more aggressive. I held his head to my chest shushing him and cooing gentle words that were more like something a mother would say than a wife. Nobody else understood that he wasn't trying to hurt me, but he wanted to heal himself. I didn't mind a few bruises if it meant I could have the old Ren back.

Besides that I had to endure something more painful than his abuse. When I was able to calm him down enough that he fell asleep my real nightmare began. I placed a hand on his back where I could feel his slow and steady heart beat. Too slow. I could feel his chest rise and fall against my stomach and I waited all night for him to stop breathing. I had no clue what I would do if I woke up next to him and his face was blue and his soul was gone. The sound of him snoring wasn't soothing at all yet somehow it managed to lull me into a sort of half sleep. I could feel him shake and hear his stomach churn in a way I could only guess meant the drug was missed.

We were only peaceful for so long before I was tossed away and Ren took off for the bathroom. The sounds of his body expelling all that it could in a matter of seconds made me hurt for him. I tried to remind myself that he had done this to himself. Hardened myself to make this ordeal easier for me.

'This is what he gets for doing drugs.'

I lifted myself from the couch wincing from the pain of the bruises and bite marks, some of which had begun to bleed. "When he's all better I'm going to kill him." I promised myself on my way to the bathroom.


	6. In My Hands

**Ren**

The tiny Nana circles around me like a vulture. With one finger she commands me to kneel down to allow her a closer look at my face. Unable to refuse her anything I fall to my knees before her and wait patiently as she pulls at my face.

"You don't look like a washed up, drug addicted loser or a sell out." I try not to laugh. Nana was probably still mad. Damn that woman could hold a grudge. "Mom said my father was once the best at everything he did but that she left him because he had let fortune and fame change him. Then there were the drugs and when she found out about me she had to leave."

"To protect you?" I wonder out loud ashamed of myself.

Hana shakes her head no, "she was going to kill me before I was born. What was that word she used?" She scrunches her eyebrows thoughtfully before blurting out, "abortion," as though it was some great and magical word. "Mom was going to have an abortion and she thought everyone would be mad at her so she left. She went to the doctor but became so angry at her stupid boyfriend for not being there when she wanted him to be that she left and never went through with it."

"Sounds like Nana." Hana pulls on my hair, unwashed and full of yesterday's gel. "God you're just like her. What else did she tell you about me?"

Pouting she replies, "nothing. Whenever I ask she sighs and looks away from me. I think she cries after I go to bed still, but I found a picture of you. She said you were an ex boyfriend. Then she went on a date with Kenta the traitor." Hana scrunches her nose in disgust before going on a rant about how Kenta promised to help her find her father. He had agreed with her that a child had a right to know where they came from and said he would help, if he could, to reunite her parents. "I outta ring that no good filthy liars neck! All he really wanted was to get closer to mom. The whole time he was just showing her what a good father he would make, but he's not my father and I don't want a substitute for a dad! I want my daddy and I don't want the blue eyed freaks he's bound to make with mom for step brothers and sister!" She finishes screaming looking exhausted and sad. "I thought he was my friend, but he just used me to get to her."

"Kenta." I say the name as if it is a dirty word which seems to please Hana. Part of me wants to find Nana and tear her about for daring to move on, but there is another part of me that is happy for her. She deserves to be happy.

"When I wouldn't stop asking about you she sat me down and had this stupid talk with me about boys and how men are stupid bastards. She also said that one day one of them will say he loves me, and I'll believe him because he'll be handsome and tall and I'll want him beyond my own control. Then we'll have sex and it might hurt but it will be a mosquito bite compared to how bad it'll hurt if I actually fall in love with him, because that stupid bastard will have had hundreds of women. And no matter what his eyes will wander and he'll still have feelings for the girl he never had." Nana's still mad at me. "She said that no matter how sweet he is or caring he seems he'll still do stupid things. Men can't help but be jackasses and take advantage of women's nurturing nature." She pauses to reflect then in a deeper voice reminiscent of Nana she continues, "but Hana, don't be afraid of love. Despite all of his flaws your father was a good man and he did love me and he would have loved you too." Tired she leans into my arms. "That's the only time she looked happy talking about you."

I laugh lifting her into my arms. She's small and light, and I can't believe that she's really here.

"Daddy?" Her brown eyes look up at me, lids drooping. I wonder if she's slept at all since she left home.

"Yes, Hana."

"You'll never let her separate us again, right? I don't care if you're washed up or a sell out. You can tell me lies and use drugs just don't leave me." I never thought anyone could capture my heart in the same way Nana had but here is this little girl breaking it with her pleads.

"Don't worry, Hana, I will die if I lose you. I'll never let anyone take you away from me." She closes her eyes and burrows closer to my chest.

I am lost in the feeling of having something important to protect again. I would give up everything to have had her in my arms sooner. But even I can't say that if I had known about her I would have quit using heroin. I would like to believe she would have made it easier for me to quit but I just don't know if I would have been able quit. Nana wouldn't have stayed to take care of me and a newborn. I'm glad she chose to run and even happier that, for whatever reason, she chose to keep Hana.

"Hana," I sit down on the leather sofa, staring at the small face and picking out features that I think resemble me. Her ears, the shape of her eyebrows, her complexion which upon closer inspection is slightly more tan than Nana's. She has my nose I think but her overall appearance is so much like Nana that it's hard to tell. "Nana."

A drop of water lands on Hana's cheek. I wipe it off curiously examining it. Several more fall and I have to set her down realizing that I'm crying. I have to leave her there to cry alone in my bedroom hoping my absence won't wake her. Imagining Nana all alone in a doctor's office somewhere, knees shaking and crying, makes me cry harder. She would have made the appointment thinking about how much I would hate her. Scared and alone she walked out of that office and ran farther away. I wonder if she even had multiple appointments that she walked out of.

I should have been there. I should have held her hand while she decided what she wanted. I should have been there to support her in whatever she wanted. Most of all I should have been there watching over her as her belly grew with my child. It was my right to watch my baby come into this world and grow up. Seven years lost and I only had myself to blame. Nana was only protecting herself and Hana, I can't hate her for that. What disgusts me is the fact that she had to worry about protecting herself from me.

On the nightstand my phone rings. I'm late for work, and I already know who's calling to check on me. "Damn it!" Some one else I keep hurting. "Hello Hachiko, I'm fine. Just running a little late." In my ear I hear a beep, "And that would be Yasu calling to check on me too."

"You're not doing anything bad are you?"

"Never Hachi, I'm a good man. I know because an angel just told me so."

Her voice perks up a little too much after hearing this, "Nana?"

"No, well sort of actually. She is the one who originally said it but not to me." I know I must be confusing her but I'm too happy, sad, and angry at myself to care.

"What? Are you sure you're alright?" I want to tell her everything but saying it over the phone wouldn't bring justice to the situation. Then again maybe I just want to keep Hana to myself for a bit longer.

"I'm fine but I do need to see you. Let's meet up in room 707 later, around five. Call Nobu and Shin over too, and I'll speak with Yasu about this. I have something to tell all of you, so tell them I don't care how much they still hate me they need to be there." Shin had never forgiven me for what I had done to Reira and Nobu... well Nobu and I had a fight about the way I had treated Nana.

" _She has bruises all over her, Ren. You did that to her then you dared to call me and beg for my help! Look at what you've done to my best friend."_ Remembering Nobu's words brought fresh tears to my eyes. They also brought back the image of my fingerprints all over Nana, like tiny tattoos all colored in hues of blue and black. I had done that to her in an hectic search for the tiniest bit of heroin I had stashed away in our apartment. Shoving her and gripping on to her arms to scream at her. I had slammed her into the wall multiple times begging her to stay out of my way. I don't blame Nobu either, I hate myself, for what I did, more than he does.

" _Nana, you shouldn't have to go through this right now. In your state you should be resting."_ He had said to her taking her hand from mine and beginning to walk away with my girl. Blinded by my need for drugs I lunged forward and punched him. We fought but I was shaking with need and so weak, it wasn't much of a fight.

" _Ren. Nobu stop it!"_ Nana shoved him off of me. _"Get out! Leave us alone."_

" _Nana, what if he loses it again? He's losing control of himself and he could hurt you much worse than this."_ Motioning again to the bruises he tried to take her hand. _"What if he kills it?"_

Wiping the tears from my eyes I jump at the sound of Yasu confirming our meet up over the phone. I hang up then quickly call Nobu.

"What do you want now? Ordering Hachi around and thinking you can demand my presence on a whim. I don't think either of us has anything to say to the other," I cut him off coldly.

"You knew she was pregnant."

"What?"

"You knew about the baby. You knew and you didn't tell me." There is silence on the other end and despite taking calming breaths and counting to five I'm angry. He was my friend but he had kept this secret from me for seven years because he was angry. He wasn't protecting anybody just trying to hurt me.

"She said she was aborting it. Why would I tell you about a baby that wouldn't exist for much longer anyway?" The thought that he was trying to protect me hadn't crossed my mind.

"Sorry, you're right I wouldn't have wanted to know." I swallow looking out at the back of the couch. "She's here Nobu, what do I do?"

"Nana's back?" There's some hope in his voice, remnants of the ever happy and loyal boy he once was.

I shake my head but of course he doesn't hear that. "Hana, our daughter. She's here."

I hear a sharp intake of breath then an, "Oh!" Nobu agrees to be in room 707 later but he doesn't know what I should do.

I always wanted a kid with Nana but now that I have one sleeping on my couch I have no clue what to do. As a kid I was a delinquent and did pretty much whatever sounded like fun. I would like to hope Hana hadn't inherited my personality but here she is having runaway from. Do I punish her for that?

"Nobu, how do I be a father?"


	7. Sick

**Nana**

I tried to ignore it. For a while I even managed to pretend he wasn't using again but what good has lying to myself ever done for me. I'd arrive home to Ren smoking but I knew it wasn't a cigarette. He was happy and nice again, when he was high.

"It's just a little weed, Nana. I don't like the way I act when I drink." He was lying, he knew it and I knew it but we went along with the lie anyway.

It was simpler to act as if I believed him, swearing that he would never touch heroin again. It was like his mistress, and I was one of those wives who accepted her husband being unfaithful. When he disappeared into the bathroom I knew he was sneaking some private time with her. If I arrived home early and he was sweeter than usual, it was because I had interrupted him and her. I was jealous of the heroin because he needed it so much more than he ever needed me.

"Nana," Cheerful and smelling strongly of cologne he embraced me from behind. He kissed some of the places where he had left bruises, most of them had faded but some lingered to remind him of what he had done. "You're home early." He'd said in a pleasant tone as if he were glad I had interrupted his private time.

"I worked very hard today and the director said I did well. We finished early with my scenes." I explained but didn't say that I pushed myself harder so that I could get home. When I was unable to keep watch over him I felt nervous. It was so bad that I had turned down various job offers that would be scheduled during times when I couldn't get anybody else to come over.

"Such a good girl I have." His eyes were looking at me but I didn't believe he was really seeing me. All he saw was a way to self medicate himself, just like the pot and the heroin. "Come here." He breathed turning my face and capturing my lips.

I didn't fight him as he lead the way to our bedroom. I didn't tell him to stop when he began to undress me. That didn't mean I wanted him to touch me, I just didn't care anymore. That needy, depressed husk of a man wasn't Ren but I couldn't bare to see his beautiful face contorted in pain so I ignored the drug use. Not wanting to come home to him crying in anguish over what he had almost done to Reira I had chosen to forgive him. She wouldn't even speak to him after that, and I didn't blame her. I didn't even want to be there anymore, but I was afraid that if I wasn't with him he'd die without me.

"Ren?" It never took him long to become tired, reducing our sleepless nights of heaven to him passing out on my breast blissfully unaware that I was crying.

The days and the nights blurred together as I rushed home to catch him either exiting the bathroom or just about to lock himself in it. It was almost a game that neither of us wanted to play but we had forced each other to continue playing. Every day was exactly the same, I woke up to him shaking and vomiting. I went to work to practically kill myself trying to remember lines and lyrics or be courteous to interviewers. The media thought Reira had quit the band due to Ren's refusal to leave me. The rumor was that he had gotten her pregnant and despite her wanting to stop hiding their relationship and become a real family he had broken things off with her for my sake. Most people were not on my side until Reira gave a simple statement that she was not now nor had she ever been pregnant with anyone's love child. She also made a vague comment about me being a brave and strong woman to put up with so much. After I was done dealing with the paparazzi and legitimate interviewers I would rush home to Ren. No longer drunk and angry, he was high and clingy, but if he wasn't high he was shaking with need and every little thing I said or did agitated him. The only thing that calmed him down was to hold him until the pain became too much for him to handle and he had to run to the bathroom. Then it was morning again.

"You look tired." Nobu mentioned one morning. He had come over to watch Ren for a few hours, but he had to leave around noon. That left Ren alone with his heroin for six hours. I acted as if I didn't know he had conned Nobu into sneaking it to him. Takumi as well and Yasu, there was no one immune to Ren's charms when he was begging. Rather none of us wanted to see him hurt and we were all a little sick of hearing his excuses.

"I think I'm catching something. I've been feeling nauseous lately and I have a headache. Have you visited Hachi and the baby yet?" I changed the subject hoping that if I didn't think about it my illness would go away.

"No not yet. Yasu has though, with Miyu. They say she's thinking of naming him Ren, but she doesn't know if that would be weird." We must have all been waiting for Ren's inevitable end. Bracing ourselves for the crushing pain and guilt and for a world where he didn't exist.

"It'sa goo name. If I ad ason, that's wha I'd name im." Ren had started drinking again that morning, after weeks of not touching the beer in the fridge he had downed three cans and was working on his fourth before I even had breakfast ready. Not that he ever ate much.

He stumbled into our conversation giving me a disapproving look. I was wearing nothing but my robe because my pajamas from the night before had throw up on them.

"I should go get dressed." Nobu looked confused by my sudden shyness. It wasn't as if he'd never seen me in just a robe before, and neither of us had ever thought of the other in that way. Ren had never had a problem with our close relationship before either, but he hadn't been a drunk before.

"Yeah, and bring me another beer." That he could say clearly.

While I was dressing I could hear them speaking quietly. Nobu told Ren, that he didn't have anything and that he didn't feel comfortable bringing him anymore. I imagined Nobu going to a sketchy street dealer in a disguise, or maybe he had gone through the agency like Ren had. How easy was it to get drugs, I wondered.

"Don't give that bullshit man, I need it!" Ren's outburst had me running out in a bra and panties to check on them. Nobu held his hands up with Ren advancing on him threateningly.

"Ren stop!" I wasn't thinking when I wedged myself between them.

Distracted by my state of undress Ren turned to me. A mix of anger and lust exploded in his eyes and he shoved Nobu towards the door. He pushed me to the wall and began to pull down my panties not caring that Nobu was still there. I didn't fight him but Nobu could tell that I didn't want to.

"Hey, stop it. Get off her!" Nobu pulled Ren back and threw him down. Ren went down laughing, the remainder of his beer spilled out all over the floor. I fixed my panties before stooping down to help him up. "Nana?"

"It's fine, he's just drunk and doesn't know what he's doing." Ren leaned on me playing nice with his nose buried in my hair. "I'll call in sick. Who do I call to do that? Gin?" I really was starting to feel sick.

Trying to focus his eyes on me as I set him on the couch Ren looked me up and down. "Are you sick, Nana? You look tired. Maybe you should see a doctor."

"Right, I'll do that. Nobu, stay with him please? Just until I get back."

That day my life changed forever.

A few hours later, I sat in the doctor's office needing to vomit. Fear roiled around in my stomach and all I could think to do was to call Hachi. Not knowing what to say when she answered I hung up but jumped back into reality when the ringing of my phone startled me.

"Hello?" I sounded groggy, like Ren when he tried to keep himself from nodding off while high.

"Nana? Is everything okay?" Her voice was so far away. I sat there silently crying with a hand hovering over the baby I knew was growing inside of me. "Nana?" Softly Hachi coaxed me to say something.

"You should name him Ren. Ren would like that." I don't say that he'll be gone before he even gets to see the kid but I think we both knew. If I had a baby I would have to stay alive for its sake, so I had decided I'd get rid of it. That meant Hachi could have the name, because Ren and I would never use it for our own babies. After some time passed with Hachi listening to me cry I can't help but confess, "I don't want to exist in a world without Ren."


	8. Captive Heart

**Ren**

I open the door to apartment 707 to find Yasu waiting for me. He doesn't look happy to see, but he hasn't looked happy to see me for years. I can't remember the last time he's smiled around me or be remotely friendly towards me. Maybe I deserve his stern glares and repeated lectures, but he doesn't deserve to be so miserable.

"You had a job today. Takumi and I worked hard to get you that cameo, and you decided not to show up. What's your excuse this time? And don't give me some story about how you just couldn't drag yourself out of bed." He sounds scared but I can't tell how he feels with those glasses hiding his eyes. "You better not be using... who's that?" His glasses come off as Hana runs out from behind me.

She bows to him and introduces herself politely. "Nice to meet you. I'm Hana Honjo."

Speechless, Yasu points at Hana then at me. "Who's this?"

"Oooh cake!" Hana exclaims shoving Yasu out of her way to get to the cake sitting on the table.

"Is Hachi here?" I ask the bewildered bald man.

"She looks exactly like you." He says watching Hana dig into the strawberry cake Hachi had probably made in the hopes that Nana was here. "Where did she come from? Is this a trick? Some ex girlfriend dropped her off on your d..." Clarity comes to him when focuses his eyes on hers. "Nana? Is she here?"

I grin at the sight of him flinching as if someone were about to hit him. That's right the last time he saw Nana she had been on a rampage because Takumi had informed her that he and Yasu planned on sending me to treatment. Which is what I needed in the end but neither of us could see that then.

"Nope I ran away." Hana beams proudly. Frosting is smeared on her face and I can't stop smiling at how cute she is. "Daddy says he'll keep me and when mommy gets here I'll convince them to get married so we can be a family."

I find no fault with her plan but Yasu does not look happy. With a hand on my shoulder he asks if he can have a word with me then shoves me to the kitchen where we can speak quietly.

"Nana won't be happy. Have you thought about what she could potentially do if you keep her daughter? It is technically kidnapping you know." His angry whispers do nothing but annoy me. Of course Nana will be mad but she'll be equally happy and relieved to see our daughter alive. "Furthermore that little girl is going to have her heart broken if you go on letting her believe that the three of you will become a happy family."

He is right of course but I need to be hopeful. Nana is dark and gloomy but I can't allow myself to think about the worst case scenarios. If I do that I'll go to the bad place again and there's only one thing that road leads to.

"Don't be such a killjoy, Baldy. Nana and I will at the very least be civil towards each other for Hana's sake. Who knows though, I charmed my way into her panties before and I could do it again." The look he gives me says that there's more to a healthy relationship than sex. Especially if you have a kid to think about but he knows it would be pointless to say that.

"Nana could make it so you are never permitted to see that girl again if you're not careful." He stalks away from me to sit across from Hana. They speak briefly before she nods at a question he asks and he hands her a pen and notepad. She scribbles something before handing it back to him bouncing with glee to receive a pat on the head and what sounds like a thank you.

"She's a good kid." Yasu comments walking back over to me to hand me the paper. There are two numbers written down on it, "the number to their house and Nana's cell number. You should be the one to tell her where Hana is. It will make you look good and maybe she won't hurt you."

 **Nana**

I cursed at the sitter for falling asleep, but it's really myself I hate for going out drinking. At least Hana was courteous enough to leave a note detailing where she was running away to and how she planned on getting there. I should have told her about Ren years ago, or I should have been less of a coward and taken her to see him. I just hope that she's found him by now and she's safe with everyone.

"I don't understand how you're not a nervous wreck right now. Hana is gone and she could be anywhere." Kenta Masahito frets while smelling his calming oil. He's a freak with all sorts of new age herbal remedies, but he's the only friend I have managed to make since leaving Tokyo. He looks at me with eyes that remind me a little of Shin's in color and says, "A strawberry blond stranger with big burly muscles and bad intentions could have spotted her alone on the train and taken her."

"Why strawberry blond?" Kenta isn't listening to me, he is too caught up in his anxious fears. It's like he's her mother and I'm the supportive friend.

"What if she got on the wrong train and ended up in some remote uncivilized town that doesn't even have running water or phones?" Gasping he jumps up, "what if she's fallen down a hill or has been injured in some other way. God that poor little girl is out there all alone with broken bones. She's terrified and cold and starving half to death." Kenta is so much worse than Hachi ever was, though he's never mentioned anything about a demon king.

"Actually I'm grateful she had the guts to do what I should have done a long time ago." I say softly to myself but Kenta hears anyway and makes a sad whimpering sound.

"You're so cute Nana, you miss Ren." Of course I had to fill Kenta in on some details when we learned where Hana had gone. I can't help the blush that creeps into my cheeks when he gives me a suggestive smile. "Don't worry I won't get jealous. It might even be fun to meet him. Ren the genius guitarist, do you think he'll write a song about this? Oh, Nana tell him to include me in it. I don't want much just a line or two about the insanely handsome young doctor who helped his ex when she was in need."

He looks so hopeful that I couldn't help the devious smirk as I said, "he'll kick your ass on sight."

Gloom loomed over him and he moved as far away from me as the packed train would allow.

"Here I was thinking we were friends all these years. When I found you at that bar begging for a job, all obviously pregnant but malnourished I thought we had bonded. Now I see how it is you liar, the whole time you were a rich rock star. Threw away your glamorous life for a life in my small little town with your daughter. You wore a wig back then to hide who you were. Liar. Liar."

"Kenta." I sigh knowing that I've lost him to his own ramblings. How could someone so smart and put together at work be such an unhinged nutcase in person?

I close my eyes remembering being rejected from every place I applied to. I'm so sure my large pregnant belly had nothing to do with it, or maybe it was the dejected cloud hanging over my head at all times. Ren always said I was dark and gloomy. If not for Kenta I might have gone back to Tokyo that day, but there he was in the bar asking if I was alright. He had light hair and eyes, and he was very tall because his father was Russian, and he was blocking the exit. I brushed him off at first, but of course it was raining outside and he had offered to drive me home. All of my instincts told me to just go home to Tokyo but I had already given up on life, in my mind I knew that Ren could die soon and there was nothing left for me. What did it matter if Kenta might have been some insane mass murderer, I was sick of being beaten down by life anyway.

I explained to Kenta that I didn't have a home anymore because I could no longer pay the rent for the hotel I was staying in. He offered me the use of his apartment which he wasn't using at the time because he often slept at the hospital. Little did I know that he actually owned the apartment building and was giving me and my unborn child a place to live. I've spent nearly seven years trying to figure out what is wrong with him besides the clear insanity. He was just too nice, too giving, too rich, too much like Yasu.

"Oi Osaki, we're here." I open my eyes to a much calmer Kenta. He looks more like a smart and cool doctor now as he retrieves our luggage and ushers me off the train.

Tokyo hasn't changed much at all and that fills me with the fear that had kept me away all these years. I should have come back after I learned Ren had successfully made it through his fourth stint at rehab. It was only my fear of what everyone would say when I returned with a child. The rumors would fly and Hana would be hounded by the media. What will my friends think of me now that they know I have kept our daughter away from Ren? I can't say that I like myself for what I did but I don't regret leaving either.

"Just breath." Kenta whispers in my ear. "You'll be okay. Hana has to be with Ren, just stay hopeful and calm." I lean in closer taking in the citrus scent that lingers on his clothes, he eats way too many oranges. He hugs me back rubbing my back in soothing circles.

The ringing of my phone startles me and I jump up knocking my head against his chin. Both of us wince and I fumble with my phone. An unknown number shows up and I freeze sensing who it is on the other end. Like a magnet I can already feel myself being pulled back to Ren.

"Hello?" Kenta answers the phone. "This is Nana's personal slave, Kenta, speaking who may I ask is calling?" He pauses to listen for a reply. Looking confused he pulls the phone away to check that there is some one still on the line. "Hello? Hana?"

Hearing her name I snatch the phone back. "Hana! Hana is that you?"


	9. Dreaming

**Ren**

I clench my jaw doing my best to take deep breaths and count to ten. She's with some idiot joking around while our daughter is missing. She's _with_ some idiot man! Kenta, his name echoes in my mind like it's a curse. He answered her phone and called himself her slave. The images that brings to my mind nearly make me throw my forgiving and calm personality out the window. I have no right to demand all of her love or attention. She hasn't been mine for seven years. I can't tell her who to kiss. It's not my place to order her not to boss him around, throw tantrums when she needs his attention, or punish him when he's unable to read her mind and do exactly what she wants. God why am I such a masochist? I even miss her abuse.

"Hana, say something please. I'm not mad, just tell me where you are and we'll come get you." _We?_ What the hell is with the we? She plans on dragging that guy around Japan to get our daughter, as if Hana's his too. I want to scream. I want to curse her for moving on when I've been here waiting. I should just hang up and let her suffer.

"707." I say coldly intending to hang up the phone.

"Ren! Thank goodness she made it safely." She sounds, happy. "Ren?"

I wipe the sudden tears from my eyes, "Yes?"

"Thank you, for calling me. I'll be there soon." I made her happy. I didn't know I could still do that.

"Was she very mad?" Hana asks head bowed low as if she's waiting to be scolded.

"No, she sounded relieved. She must have been worried about you." Her face becomes more troubled and she tears up.

"Oh my poor mommy. You stupid father, this is all your fault!" What did I do? Her little arms wrap around my legs as she cries. "If you had chased after her, we would have been together already."

I hug her back lifting her up to my chest. "I'm sorry. You're right, I should have searched for Nana a long time ago. I should have dragged her kicking and screaming back to me, where she belongs."

Hana smiles squeezing my neck, "you mean it? Do you really want her to stay with you? Do you want to be with her forever and ever?" I nod giving in to the dream my little girl is creating. Yasu is right, I shouldn't get her hopes up, but I can't help being hopeful myself.

"If Nana will have me, I'd do anything to have her back. I'll do anything to keep the both of you in my arms."

A wicked gleam in her eyes Hana leans up staring into my eyes. "Okay then, I've got a plan. First we have to get the two of you alone as much as possible." She begins to explain her scheme to me and I have to wonder who's kid this is. She's so devious and smart, and I don't think she got that from me. "Then the two of you will get married and I can be the flower girl. I'll wear a pretty dress and have flowers in my hair and the cutest little shoes. Mommy will probably try to ruin it by wearing jeans and a shirt with that band she likes on it. But I'm not too worried because you'll think she's beautiful anyway. And the two of you will go on a honeymoon and give me a new baby brother, remember that a brother not a sister. I'm your only daughter."

"Hahaha, I wasn't really listening to your plan but I caught the last part. You are Nana's kid alright, jealous little brat."

"What are you two doing in here?" Yasu pops his head into the bedroom Hana and I have been hiding in. "There are some people here who would like to meet you." The smile on his face when he looks at her somehow makes me even more happy. I never thought Yasu would smile in my presence again. Of course when he turns to me it almost fades completely, but he still looks happy.

He takes Hana from me and carries her out to meet the rest of our family. Nobu and Shin greet my little girl with shock, Mai looks amazed at the sight of a tiny Nana. Miyu and Hachi stand off to the side with Satsuki, waiting to introduce the two little girls.


	10. Pieces

**Ren**

I've never seen Hachi angry. Sad and extremely upset, but never boiling with rage at anybody. I didn't think that she would be this way because of Nana. It had always seemed that she would forgive anything Nana had done if she would just come home. We had all agreed to welcome her when she was finally ready to come back to us, even if it took her another seventy years.

"The nerve of her, keeping your daughter from you. She knows better than anyone what it's like for a little girl growing up not knowing who her father is. And she knew how much you wanted kids." Hachi has been arguing with herself for an hour and I'm a little nervous that Nana might show up soon. I don't want her to be scared off or feel attacked.

"What should we do about dinner?" Nobu asks sounding just as nervous as I feel.

"Am I supposed to make her a five-star meal and pretend that this isn't the most selfish, hurtful thing she's ever done?" Hachi is yelling now and fearing that she might chase Nana away I interrupt her.

"Please don't be angry at her for my sake. Don't yell at her or make her feel guilty for making a tough decision. Please, I thought we had agreed to not make her feel unwelcome if she ever came home." My plea causes her eyes to soften a bit. "We should be grateful for Hana's presence rather than angry that she has been absent until now. Don't you agree?"

"Daddy's right, you shouldn't be mad at mommy, she wanted to bring me back a long time ago. The past was just too painful for her to face, that's what Kenta said. Some things, he said, we can't speak of no matter how much we should."

Curiously there is the sound of glass breaking and a sudden pain in my hand. There Kenta goes again butting in to my family. I haven't been this jealous in years, and I don't know what I'm more jealous of, his time with my daughter or his relationship with my wife.

"Ren," Nobu is holding my hand up and applying pressure to it with a kitchen towel. At our feet lay the remnants of the cup I had been drinking out of.

"Don't you feel that?" Naoki asks looking into my eyes. "You better not be, you know." He mimes smoking as if I needed clarification. I know he's only here as a representative for Takumi and Reira.

"It hurts." I shrug thinking about Nana finding happiness in another man's arms. "It hurts so much." Was he there to see Hana take her first steps? Did he know her first words and take her to her first day of school? When Nana couldn't sleep did he stay up all night with her whispering about their hopes and dreams?

"Ren?" Nobu touches my shoulder giving my hand to Hachi so she could clean it.

"I think I should be the only one here when Nana arrives." I announce to change the subject and distract myself.

"What? Why?" Hachi wonders clearly wanting to meet with Nana.

"That's a good idea." Miyu says in her calm collected way. "This is something they should work out, just the two of them, without all of us around to judge Nana." Did she really think that or was she afraid Yasu still had feelings for Nana? It's hard to tell what she's ever thinking, like Baldy and I hate that about them.

"But," Mai pouts not wanting to leave her new favorite person. She had been sent by Gaia to get ahead of the rumors and I suspect she will report to Ginpei and Shin first. Her love for Hana had been instant and when she heard Nana would be coming she had squealed with joy.

"Come on now, I'll treat you all to dinner and Ren can call us when he and Nana have talked. Nicely and calmly, without accusing each other of anything or blaming anyone for their own mistakes and regrets. " Yasu pats Hana on the head, "call me if they don't behave themselves."

"Aww, but we wanna go too." Hana says sweetly holding up Satsuki's hand. The two of them seem to be getting along well, I just hope Hana doesn't influence Hachi's kid too much. Hana is a little brat but Yasu seems to adore her all the more for it. He hugs her telling her how cute she is and her face twists in annoyance but there's a smirk on it as he releases her. "I know."

"Hana don't you want to see your mom?" Nobu asks.

He receives a sly smile from my daughter then she flutters her lashes and says, "I think Ren wants to see her the most though, and she wants to see him." Her charming flirtations make me laugh as I imagine her watching Nana act like that, then I remember that she must have flirted with Kenta and a I get a bitter taste in my mouth.

"How did the two least cute people in the world get such an adorable kid?" Nobu asks looking at me with teasing eyes.

"Least cute? I seem to recall you thinking I was so cute that you followed me around for weeks to get me to talk to you." The voice came out of nowhere, and it came from everywhere. I felt tears stinging my eyes with a longing that I hadn't known was in my heart.

"Mommy!" Hana jumps into the open arms of the woman who has just entered the apartment.

For the briefest moment I see her in her bright red dress, looking just as young and beautiful as she did so many years ago. Too many years have passed since then, yet my heart still races as if I am a loves truck boy. She sees me then, dark eyes taking in my aged appearance. I feel a little embarrassed to be seen by her. Post drugs and alcohol I can't say that I'm much to look at anymore and she must agree, her eyes drop from me immediately. Nana hasn't changed much; her hair is a bit longer but looking at her makes all of these years of pain melt away. She has a new tattoo beneath her lotus, an infinity sign made out of flowers. With a date next to it, oddly enough it's my birthday but the year is wrong.

"Hello, Ren."

"Hey," my voice sounds oddly breathy to my own ears. I'm nervous. "Welcome home."

"Hana!" Obnoxiously another person rushes in and envelops both of my girls in his arms.

He doesn't look like her type. His hair is too long and his clothes are clean and pressed. He's more like an advertisement for working in a law office than Yasu. No tattoos or piercings that are visible and he has a dumb accent. I don't like him.

"I'm still mad at you." Hana pushes his dumb face away. I really love that girl.

He clears his throat standing. "Kenta Masahito," he introduces himself to me politely, he even holds out his card. A doctor great, Nana had always attracted men who were well educated, put together and loaded.

"Ren," I say back before motioning to the others. "Yasu. Nobu. Nana. Miyu. Mai." I'm being rude but he doesn't seem to care.

"Nana, I have to go back to the hotel to do some work. Do you think someone will be able to drive you two there later?" Kenta questions eyes fixed on a message he has just received on his phone.

"I'm staying here!" Declares Hana glaring at him, "Traitor."

Surprised Kenta places a hand to himself and mouths me. Nana snorts not bothering to scold Hana for her rudeness. I like that perhaps a little too much, let Hana treat this wife stealing snake terribly, maybe he'll get the hint and vanish.

"I'm sure Hana and I will manage. Thank you, Kenta." I don't like that. Nana smiles sweetly at him speaking with familiarity to this man.

"Forgive me Hana, I meant to explain things to you before I took Nana out. You see I wanted to get her drunk so she would finally spill all the details." I want to punch him for flashing his perfect white teeth in a warm smile. "I am glad that you found Ren and he seems to have treated you well. He must be very nice." Never in my life have I asked anyone to address me as Honjo but I am considering doing just that with this man. "Do you think though that we should give mom and dad some privacy to talk. Ice cream?" Betrayal shoots through me seeing Hana leap into his open arms joyously agreeing to go with him.

"I thought you had work to do?" I ask gruffly.

Kenta winks, "not really just trying to help you out. Be good, Nana." He pets her on the head like she's a puppy and that's wrong. My Nana's a wild cat with sharp claws not some docile pet. "Try not to hurt Ren."

I feel awkward, being unable to object to him taking Hana. This was something Nana was allowing and I do want to speak with her alone. Kenta carries Hana over to the rest of the group and offers to pay for them all to go out. Somehow I feel like an outcast and not part of the family. He seems to fit in well with them but Hachi throws me a look that means she'll do some snooping. Nana sits on the floor looking dejected and uncomfortable. After I say goodbye to everyone including a polite farewell to Kenta I turn to her and she looks up at me. How can there be so much to talk about yet neither of us has anything to say?

 **Nana**

I can think of nothing to say him. Do I apologize for keeping Hana from him? This would be easier if I were still bitter. In my anger I could scream at him and storm off but that wouldn't solve anything. I have to work things out with him in a friendly manner, for Hana's sake. But, what if he hates me?

I'm afraid that his silence is an indication of his rage. It is so quiet that I wish he would scream at me; I deserve at least that much. If he is going to curse at me, I hope he does it soon the waiting is killing me. He comes closer, I see his boots move into my view and I have to force myself not to flinch. If he's cruel, it's only because I was cruel to him. I deserve anything he does. Even if he hits me, I think I deserve that most of all. His hand moves swiftly towards me and I do flinch, clenching my eyes to brace myself for the impact.

"Stand up." He offers me his hand and all I can do is stare at it. Warm and inviting, not at all like I had imagined he would be. Eventually I had hoped we would get along and be friends again but not right away.

I stare intensely at his hand afraid to take it then I notice something odd. He has a vertical scar stemming from his palm. I follow it up to his elbow, then I trace the raised skin with my fingertips. He shivers beneath my fingers, and his extended hand closes around my arm loosely and he pulls me up. Thinking about how alone he had to feel to cut himself so deep feels worse than any punishment he could have given me. I would rather have him beat me than to know he had hurt himself in my absence.

No words are spoken as he lifts my chin and leans down kissing the tears on my cheeks. I look into his handsome face, still perfect even after all these years. Though being this close, I can see all the lines that time and grief has given him. Ren feels like an unreachable dream again, and my anxiety threatens to send me spiraling out of control. Dizzy I fall forward into his chest wrapping my arms around him. I'm afraid he'll push me away. Begging whatever god will listen for Ren to not hate me I tighten my arms. It startles me when he pulls me in pressing his face into the crook of my neck and hugging me just as fiercely as I'm embracing him. I breath in his scent willing it to relax me and I sigh. I've missed this.

"I missed you," I think I hear his breathy whisper but he's so still and silent that I must be hearing things.

Ren groans and pulls away to look me in the eyes. Our noses kiss, I can taste his breath, it's minty as if he just brushed them. He's so close, floods of memories bleed together in my mind. His taste, his scent, the way our hearts beat perfectly in sync with each other, it's all the same as when we were young and in love. I am filled with a desire to own him, and I am envious of every other person who has ever managed to touch his heart. My eyes grow heavy; our lips move closer almost meeting. I feel his hands caress down my back gathering me closer. I want him but I'm afraid he'll only trample all over my heart again, like before. The memory of the day I left comes back to me. All the pain and the betrayal, all the ways he had hurt me and how I was pitiful enough to stay for so long.

"I'm," I turn away from him shaking myself out of his spell. "I'm glad Hana made it safely here. She really wanted to see you." His eyes burn into my back, making me want to turn but I keep myself facing away. "It's good to see you, I mean, It's nice to see you're doing well." I stumble nervously over my words, "and it's good that Hana found her way here." Now I'm repeating myself, he'll be able to tell how awkward I feel. "I'm glad the two of you seem to like each other."

I clear my throat, peaking over my shoulder to see him staring at me. Our eyes meet then Ren turns from me cleaning up a mess on the table. "She's a cute kid." He shrugs as if it doesn't really matter.

"Yeah, she takes after you. Another thing for me to be grateful for. She's sweet and she doesn't hold grudges as long as I tend to. Kenta must be relieved; he was so scared that she'd hate him." I picked up the rambling from Hachi and Kenta, but I know I should stop myself before I say something stupid. "He's always been so attached to her, like a mother hen fretting over his little chick."

"Kenta?" Too late. I bet Ren is thinking all the wrong things about Kenta and I. He's misinterpreted everything and made himself jealous. Now I'll get that rage I've been expecting. "He seems nice." He concludes before I have time to brace myself for the verbal attack he isn't giving.

"Yeah, I guess." I turn fully to face him studying his pleasant smile and calm demeanor. This is worse than being berated. Ren doesn't look the slightest bit angry or jealous. It stabs my heart to think that he could be over me. It's not that I want to be abused but he could at least look a little annoyed. Has he moved on? No, he was just about to kiss me. But maybe he isn't bothered by my potential new boyfriend because he has a girlfriend, or a wife. What if they have kids? I haven't read anything about him lately but maybe he managed to keep it a secret.

My eyes are drawn to him as he walks to the sink to set a plate and cup in it. He isn't as thin as death anymore. Without the drugs he was able to redefine his muscles and take better care of himself. It wouldn't be difficult for him to attract a nice and motherly woman. One who wouldn't break his heart or demand as much of him as I had, but could she make him as happy as I did? Did she make him laugh? Could she make miso for him just the way he likes, and would she do it in the middle of the night just because he wanted it? I am insanely jealous of a woman I have no way of knowing actually exists. Unless I ask, but then he'll probably say it's none of my business. He'd be right of course but I can't help wanting to know.

Why had I stopped myself from kissing him? If I had any sense at all I would shamelessly throw myself at him and rip off his damned shirt. I feel like an inexperienced teenager instead of the mother of his child. I become heated by thoughts of his body against mine. I can feel the blush coloring my cheeks at the memory of his hands, the way they used to hold me and the way it felt to caress his skin.

"Nana?" He startles me and I look up from his chest. "Would you like something to drink?" He asks before remembering something and bending down. I hear the shuffling of glass pieces and I notice for the first time that he has a towel in one hand. "I usually only drink water but Shin might have some beer here. He uses the apartment sometimes."

I take his hand startling him, "you have to clean wounds like this. Look there's still some glass in these cuts." He hisses but does not pull away, reminding me of the way Hana braves all of her scrapes and bruises. "I don't really drink that much anymore. Kenta has these rules for me to follow." It isn't intentional but I mention Kenta again getting a little thrill from the way Ren's eyes darken. Is he jealous? I also conveniently leave out that the rules are because of my anxiety pills not because Kenta is against alcohol.

"Rules? You don't like rules. Why would you let him stop you from drinking?" I should tell him that Kenta and I are just friends but I like hearing the annoyance in his voice. Instead I choose to change the subject, let him suffer for his assumptions about Kenta and me.

"I'll grab some water, if you'll go get the bag I dropped at the door, it's a present for you. If you'll sit with me, we can speak and look at them."

There are hundreds of photos in the bag neatly packed and organized, by Kenta obviously. I can't organize my own thoughts neatly let alone all those pictures. If it bothers Ren that this is a present from who he thinks is my new boyfriend, he doesn't show it. When he picks up a picture of Hana and I smiling at the beach with another man in it where he should be, he laughs and points out my windblown hairdo.

"Can I keep this one?" He asks holding up me in the hospital with a newly born Hana in my arms.

"These are all for you to keep Ren. Kenta has all the originals." I cringe that time at my own use of that name. It's as if I can't stop myself from bringing up Kenta. As if he's some sort of holy talisman to protect my heart from Ren.

For a moment his face is blank then he smiles placing the pictures back in their albums. I should really clear things up but I can't help thinking about some gorgeous woman holed up in an apartment somewhere waiting for him to come home. Would he have moved her into our place? Though I suppose it never was actually my place. Even if he had promised I could go back there with him someday.

"I'll have to thank Kenta, then. He didn't have to bring me anything." Who is this calm man, accepting my relationship with another? It's strange that Ren can be so familiar, that I can feel so at peace and home in his presence and yet he is a stranger to me. I can't tell what he's thinking or predict what how he'll react to me. It makes me feel so alone and I want to run away again.

My heart hurts. I wish that when I see him I could feel nothing, that this feeling had died. I hate it so much that I am so painfully in love with him.

"I should thank you too." I look up startled by his gratitude. "You raised a good girl and I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to help. Thank you Nana for keeping my baby." The dam breaks and I can't stop the flood of emotions that pours out.

Loud obnoxious sobs fill the otherwise silent room. I don't even care what the neighbors might think, and I don't care how vulnerable I am being. Because, though he didn't say the words I could hear it in his voice, Ren had forgiven me. Knowing that makes me feel so much happier than knowing whether or not he still wants me. Shaking arms envelop me as Ren lays his head on mine and cries with me.

 **A/N** I'm alive! So explanation time. I honestly was all set to post a new chapter a long time ago but then I reread my story on in order to recheck spelling, grammar, and continuity issues. I do this often and I never seem to run out of things to edit. Like the last time I did and I realized that there were scenes and even a whole chapter missing. I had to take chapters down and re-upload and do all these things. It wasn't actually that stressful just a minor inconvenience but I still ended up becoming depressed over it and I couldn't look at this story without crying. This is why I have been slowly trying to upload the chapters I had previously removed with some added content and edits. Clearly I have issues. Still I don't think it's right to not finish the story so this is me returning to this story. I hope whoever reads it will be happy.


	11. I Miss Everything

**Ren**

Kenta. Kenta. If I have to hear her say that name one more time I might puke. I also might rip his throat out with my teeth. I try to take deep breaths and ignore the feeling. She isn't mine anymore. I have no say in who she spends her time with.

"Look see, I took her to a music store and she fell in love with the guitar. I taught her some songs but she prefers to just play with it and teach herself. See," Nana holds up a picture of a much smaller Hana in a store, hands reaching for a guitar. "I probably don't make as good of a teacher as you though. Maybe the two of you could play together."

"I'd like that." I respond unable to keep the smile off my face. "You could sing and we'd have our own little band."

She looks sad for a moment mumbling something that sounds like, "we already had that." Will that old wound I made never heal?

"Kenta," I flinch at his name. She pulls out the pictures of Hana from when she was a baby, barely weeks old. "He took care of her for the first few months of her life. I had to stay in the hospital for a while."

Nana shows me herself, frail staring out a window or at a wall. She looks unhealthy and tired. I place my arm around her needing to feel her.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to keep bringing him up. I just want you to understand that he didn't replace you in her life. He replaced me," she does her best to hold the tears in. "I was a terrible mother. It only made matters worse when she would constantly beg for you. I wanted to tell her how you abandoned me and make her think of you as a bad person. That never would have worked though. She always loved you, as if she knew you."

"You don't have to apologize. You were pregnant and I was so caught up in my own pain that I hurt you just to make myself feel better. I even," I remember when I finally drove Nana away. I was really messed up that day when she walked in. "I should never have," she stands suddenly, distancing herself from the table, from me.

"You shouldn't have... I should have... I shouldn't have... We could go on and on forever with all our regrets." She points to the tattoos on her arm. "Hana was born on your birthday. She inherited all the good things that I love about you. If I had left you when I should have, when everyone told me to, she may not ever have been born. If you weren't on drugs maybe you would have seen how crazy I was and left me."

"Never," I interrupt jumping to my feet and reaching out for her but I don't take her hands like I want to. "I knew you were crazy when I kissed you. I also knew that there was something wrong with us, I just never thought you'd get sick of me."

"I had to." She sounds so young and her eyes looking up at me are fragile and sad.

I move forward, ready to take her into my arms. I want her now more than I did when we were teenagers. I love her more than I ever had when I was a dumb kid.

"Honey, we're home!" Kenta! Damn that man, I should just beat the hell out of him. He walks through the front door with my daughter in his arms sound asleep. "You ok?" He asks seeing Nana wiping at her eyes. The look he gives me is close to the one I wish I could give him. It's full of a silent promise to hurt me if I had hurt her.

"Fine." Nana says but she shakes her head no, going to him and taking Hana. "We were just talking." His face transforms instantly into a goofy smile and I can see it in his eyes, it's pure and untainted, unconditional. He loves her.

"We brought some food for you two. We wanted to see Nana so Kenta suggested a welcome home party." Nobu announces holding up bags of take out.

It's just him and Yasu though, and I feel slightly abandoned by Hachi, even though I had a feeling she wouldn't really want to see Nana just yet. I can still hear them screaming at each other. Hachi had not been pro Ren back then but mostly I think she was tired from raising her new baby. Dealing with Nana and my problems was not a priority for her and Nana hadn't handled that so well.

"It was a bad fight wasn't it?" Nobu whispers to me as if reading my mind.

"No. Takumi didn't help matters either by cheating on Hachi." I say the words then I regret them instantly when I remember who I am speaking to.

Nobu gives me a look of hurt and I realize I never actually apologized to him. When Nana had left all I cared about was getting her back, everyone else had left me to fight on my own and I couldn't lose her too. I begged and pleaded for her forgiveness but never did I go to Nobu man to man and say I was sorry for what I had done to him.

"Nobu, I..." He shakes his head silencing me.

"If she can forgive you," he motions towards Nana. "Then so can I. Besides, Asami and I would have never worked out. I couldn't get over her role in the entertainment industry. She couldn't get over my involvement in my ex-girlfriend's life." He shrugs with a heavy sigh. "You know he loves her don't you?"

I nod looking over at my girl laughing with Kenta. They've tucked Hana in on the couch and seated themselves on the opposite end. He teases her hair saying something that makes her blush.

"Question is; how does he love her?" Yasu comments bringing me a bowl of soup.

"What do you mean? It's pretty obvious to me how much he wants her." As if I can't read Kenta's mind. Every time he looks at her, he can't help but think of all the filthy things he could do to her. The way her voice sounds when she can't control her words and it's just the two of them.

"Are you sure, you're not projecting your own feelings onto him? There's more than one way to love someone." Yasu is giving me that look, as if to say I'm missing something. I haven't a clue what that could be. "Just because you are filled with carnal desire every time you see her doesn't mean everyone else who loves her is too Ren. You still haven't learned that and that's why you get so jealous. That is where your problems begin."

"Me? I'm not jealous." An obvious lie, but if I have to deny my feelings for her, I will. I'm not really sure what might happen between the two of them, or what has already happened, but I know what will happen between me and her. I've been down that road, it only leads to pain, her pain.

"Oh well in that case I guess she's free. I know I have Miyu now but I can't deny that I've always loved Nana." Yasu mumbles standing tall and rubbing his chin as if he's thinking, or plotting. "According to you, I couldn't love her without wanting her body also. You wouldn't mind giving me some pointers would you? Tell me what she likes, does she have a specific fetish? Is there a way to get her to easily submit, because I've watched you with her and often wondered how you get her to be so nice?"

"Hey what about me?" Nobu whines, "I don't have anyone and I met her first. In truth it should have been me. I always thought she was cute."

"She's not cute!" I burst at Nobu. "And you!" Jabbing Yasu in the chest I do my best to intimidate him. "Keep your hands off of my..."

"Ren?" Nana is looking at us worried. Kenta is looking only at me with an oddly smug smile on his face.

"Soup." I finish yanking the bowl that was still in his hands. "Yasu get your own miso." Avoiding her eyes, I seat myself at the table. "I'm just going to sit down and eat this before it gets cold." I mumble into the bowl sure that Nana must think I've lost my mind again. I am so preoccupied with being embarrassed that I almost miss Kenta whispering something into her ear. Almost, just like we almost kissed, and we almost got married, and I almost had a happy relationship with her, but almost doesn't save me from the stabbing feeling in my heart.

Sitting quietly, I spoon some soup into my mouth cringing at the bland taste of the reheated soup. Nobu sat beside me with his own bowl slurping it up as if it were the best soup he'd ever had. Nana would have made much better soup. Nobody makes food like Nana though, not even Yasu.

As I'm about to push the bowl away delicate hands take it from me. I look up to see Nana dashing off to the kitchen where she adds something to it. She brings the bowl back to me tasting it with my spoon before setting it down with a smile. I return the smile, feeling suddenly giddy at the prospect of sharing a spoon. The spoon shakes in my hand and I spill the soup back into the bowl a few times before I manage to try the new improved taste. Behind me I hear Yasu conceal a snort, pretending to sneeze. Only Nana could turn me into a fumbling inexperienced teenager at my age. She doesn't seem to notice my clumsy excitement as she sits down with her own bowl to eat.

For the moment we are calm and all is pleasant but I know that won't last. Hachi will want to see Nana, and who knows how that will turn out. Nana had felt abandoned by Hachi and I'm sure Hachi must feel betrayed and hurt that Nana would keep such a big secret from her. Then there is us, where do I stand in Nana's life? Am I just the father of her child? Could we be friends? Do I even want to be her friend? Just friends?

"What?" Nana asks forcing me to stop scrutinizing her face and return my attention to my food. Her hands slowly reach for mine but move away quickly once Kenta saunters over to the table.

"So I was thinking that I would head on home now. Seeing as everything here is fine." He announces and for half a second I rejoice. Then I see Nana's panicked expression.

"We can't go yet; Hana hasn't had enough time with Ren." There she goes with the we crap and who said she could just take my daughter away from me again?

Kenta looks more surprised than I am as he holds up his hands. "I thought you two would stay here for a while."

"But I can't," Nana looks hurt. Her breath grows shallow as if it hurts her to breath. "I'll go with you. I have to get back to work anyway, and Hana will be fine here with everyone."

Kenta's eyes turn cold, "you can't leave your daughter, Nana."

"Well you can't leave me!" Nana jumps hearing her own words and looking back at me. "Whatever, just go."

I want to say something but it isn't my place to interrupt their lovers quarrel. No matter how strange it is to think of it that way, that's exactly what it is. Nana doesn't want to be left behind by another lover. Despite my decision to stay out of it for his sake, Kenta is looking at me expectantly.

With a sigh that sounds almost disgusted he gives in, "fine come with me. We can leave Hana with Ren for a while."

Of course they could leave her with me, I am her father after all. The nerve of him calling me by my first name as if we're friends and actually concluding that my daughter could stay with me, and what's with the 'we' again? Hana isn't their daughter, she's our daughter, he had nothing to do with it. Except he did raise her and kept a roof over her head and, wait did he say they were leaving?

"You can't leave!" Nobu objects so I don't have, or I lose my chance to, I'm not sure. "Getting to know Hana will be great and all, but Nana I've missed you. You're my best friend, and I could really use a best friend right now. There are things going on that you don't know about. Things that I would like to talk to you about."

"Huh? That's interesting." Kenta says, eyes on me in a peculiar way. "So she should stay just to listen to you whine? If there's no other reason than just leaving our number would suffice. Our address too, in case you want to visit." I meet his gaze, bewildered by the message he seemed to be trying to convey to me.

"There are many reasons for her to stay. For instance, she has a little sister who would like to see her. And she has many other friends who could not make it here tonight." Yasu interjects, "Nana, I know you learned of Misato long ago, don't you have any desire to see her? What about Mai? What about Hachi, will you really just leave without sorting things out with her?"

Nana doesn't look at him as she says, "I have nothing to say to anyone that I haven't said already. I never had trouble speaking my mind, you should know that Yasu. Nothing I ever said was untrue. I am sorry if it was hurtful but that doesn't make my words any less truthful."

We were so peaceful when it was just the two of us. I don't think I hurt anyone more than Nana, but she can forgive me so what's her problem with everyone else?

Still staring at me Kenta takes Nana's hand. "So, should we wake up Hana and say goodbye? I need to get home by morning for work." I watch in horror as she nods, but they don't move. He's moving closer as if to kiss her.

"I need you!" I yank her away more violently than I had intended. "I have no idea how to be a father, Nana. I need you to help me take care of our daughter. For instance, am I supposed to punish her for running away? What should I do if she asks for something and I say no but then she throws a tantrum. Satsuki used to throw tantrums when she didn't want to eat something. Little Ren always wanders off without telling people where he's going and Takumi takes his allowance away. Does Hana get an allowance? I don't know how to do this, Nana."

I didn't think I was that afraid but the words just keep spilling out. I squeeze her wrist desperately hoping she has the answers. Funny how I always thought I wanted a baby, I never thought I'd have to be a father to a child, with her own personality. Would I have even made a good father to Hana when she was little? Not as I was then but now I can, can't I? Nana smiles and a hand pats me on the shoulder. Kenta smiles at me, a warm and friendly smile.

I look at his face closely for the first time and that's when I see it. "Are you?" A finger flicks his nose swiftly motioning for me to stay silent. I look from him to Nana, picking out similar facial features just as I had done with Hana. Who is this man?


	12. Put You Together

**Hana**

"Have you seen her?" The radio DJ speaks in a loud incredulous voice. "Has anybody actually seen her? We have these little glimpses of a thin dark haired woman. I wanna know her name and what she looks like."

"I don't know about you but to me she looks like Nana. Her hair and the build are similar." His female costar interjected. "We all know how bad he had it for that woman."

"That would be ridiculous. Even if Nana had the guts to reappear, I don't think Ren would take her back. If he did I would lose all respect for him."

Daddy shuts off the radio and I almost blow my cover by objecting. He can't know that I'm hiding in the back seat. I have to get out of that apartment, but he and mom say it's not safe for me to go wandering outside. As if I would ever let anything bad happen to myself when I have a mission to accomplish. First things first I have to make Nana and Ren work together more and I have to get daddy to comfort mom. She should be calling any minute now, realizing that I've disappeared again.

His cell phone blares to life, cute he has a love song from my favorite anime as her ring tone. I suppress my excitement, listening to their conversation.

"You lost her again?" You, stupid daddy, be more sensitive. " How is it she's survived this long when you keep losing her?" Don't yell at my mommy! "My fault? How is this my fault." He listens to her scream that he shouldn't have left. "I have to go to work some time. I'm a poor orphan not the heir to a fortune like Kenta." Ren snarls and I can hear mommy yell that she was never a runaway so it must be his genes that caused me to be such a delinquent. Then she announces that he can forget it and she'll go out looking for me herself. "Stay in that apartment, Nana. If you go outside the mosquitoes will pounce."

Somewhat calmer he says. "No that wasn't an order. Look, I'm sure she's still in the apartment. There's no reports about a child leaving that place. The paparazzi are all over the gate taking pictures of everything that comes out and if..." He's interrupted by her screech. "No, Nana. Nana, listen to me! Listen." He swerves the car as he makes an abrupt turn cursing. I accidentally swear, "Shit," as I am thrown to the other end of the floor in back.

"Don't swear, Hana." He scolds then after a brief pause he looks behind himself. "Hana!" I wave up at him laughing nervously. He's pissed I can tell, he and mom fight when they think I'm in my room and that's the look he usually gives her. They seemed so happy that first day, so why is it they can't get along together now? "Put your seat belt on." He yells at me turning back around to resume driving back to the high security apartment Baldy insisted we move into.

In the mirror I can see his eyes constantly looking back at me. Pouting I buckle up and wait in heavy the silence as he speeds through the gate swearing at the camera men and women outside the window. Even when we get into the garage and park he says nothing as he exits the car and gripping my arm drags me in to the building where mom is about to leave in her disguise. There's no one else here, just us and the elevators down the hall.

"What are you doing? Both of you are going to get yourselves caught." He whispers as if there are reporters all around us recording the conversation. I think fame has made him paranoid. "Whatever I'm late. Take your daughter and go back to the apartment before someone sees you."

You don't have to be so harsh, you, stupid daddy. I want to scream at him but mommy does that for me.

"I can leave whenever I damn well please. Don't bark orders at me as if you own me." Yeah you tell him mommy. "And you." She turns on me pulling me from daddy. "What the hell were you thinking running off like that again. You have to stop doing this to me. My nerves can't handle not knowing where you are." She swoops me up with tears in her eyes and hugs me tightly to her chest.

"I'm sorry," I think of a good reason to sneak into daddy's car. "I only wanted to see Daddy at work, but he yelled and brought me back here." Now I think I might cry, "Mama, I don't think daddy loves me. He won't show me off to his coworkers or the press. He doesn't want anyone to know that he has me. I must not be everything he thought I would be!" I fling myself out of her arms and glare at Ren's shocked expression. "I don't want a daddy who doesn't want me!" I cry running towards the apartment.

"Hana!" Ren starts to run after me but mommy holds up a hand and stops him.

"She's a child, she throws tantrums to get what she wants." She says coolly. "Go to work. I'll deal with her."

"You're the one who keeps losing her." He accuses. It pisses me off how mean he's turning out to be. I wanted a nice daddy who loved both of us not this cranky paranoid jerk who locks us up as if we're some horrible secret.

"You're late for work." Nana snaps waving him away.

"Yeah, and who's fault is that?" Mommy snorts with disgust shoving him a little. "I have to come back here and make sure that the mosquitoes don't see either of you. We have to go and make Hana understand that if the mosquitoes see her sneaking out of here they'll have questions. I'll have to give them answers. They'll never leave us alone if they see one of you and link you back to me. Hell if they get a clearer view of you they'll be breaking down that gate to torment you."

"So what? Are you ashamed? Don't want to admit that you're still stuck on me after all these years? If you're still pissed about the other night than take it out on me not Hana." Daddy raises his hands tenses them inches from her neck and lets out a deep growl.

"You're the one who doesn't want to be thrown back into that world again. You wanted to stay hidden and we agreed that it would be best for Hana if they knew nothing about her for as long as possible. As for our relationship, I already admitted to still having feelings for you. You don't want a relationship. You don't think we can make it work. You don't trust me remember."

"Why should I trust you? I have every right to hate you!" As they argue they slowly move closer speaking quieter and quieter so I can't hear them.

I hate it when they do this. Any minute now Nana will shove Ren away from her and go to her room to cry. Forming out a plan I run passed them shoving them into each other so mom falls on top of him and neither one of them can catch me in time.

 **Ren**

Nana pisses me off so much, but all I want is to kiss her and see if she would blush. "You're not listening to me." I never really listen when we fight like this. She moves too close invading my space and I get lost in my thoughts.

I glare, "I am listening and I agree with you. Hate me. All of your reasons are valid and I deserve to be hated," I stop talking confused.

Nana is on top of me equally perplexed. She looks behind herself then back at me not sure of what just happened. I open my mouth thinking of a way to explain the blur that had run passed us shoving her into me but I have nothing to say.

At the same time, it comes to us that the bur must have been our run away daughter. "Hana!" Nana and I run after the little trouble maker. We trip over ourselves to get down the stairs as our daughter has taken the elevator. By the time we catch up to her, to our horror, Hana is outside beaming brightly as she speaks to the reporters.

"Hana? Well aren't you adorable." One of the photographer's coos.

Hana thanks him sweetly standing up straight and I can imagine her face is just as charming as her mother's is when someone pays her a compliment. She tells them that her mother was so beautiful and her father was so handsome, she had no other choice but to be cute.

"Your mother and father? Just for the record who might they be?" One of the reporters asks sweetly bending low to offer Hana her mic.

"Hana!" Nana yells braving the cameras to seize our mischievous child.

The mosquitoes are on her in an instant. Cameras flashing, questions flying and Nana cursing. Feeling protective I swoop in and wrap them both in my arms throwing a glare at the reporters. They don't take the hint and continue to shove each other out of the way to be the first to receive an answer. I can think of nothing clever to say to them but Nana has a string of expletives she's more than willing to share with them. With a hand over her mouth I escort them through the throng of reporters back into our apartment.

The second I get to safety Nana's curses turn into sobs. She quivers in my arms, clinging tightly to me. I set Hana down and tell her to go to her room. Stubbornly she glares up at me declaring that she hasn't done anything wrong.

"I want to go outside." She demands, hands on her hips.

"I know that Hana. Please just go to your room. If you behave yourself, you can go out with Satsuki and her mom later." She doesn't look pleased so I add. "I'm not angry at you, I only want to speak to Nana alone for a moment."

Hana stomped her feet all the way to her room then turns around and yells, "You better not say anything mean or scream at her." She slams the door then and a few seconds later the volume on her television rises so I can hear the theme song of her show clearly.

"You alright?" I ask Nana softly. She shakes her head against my chest clinging so tight to my shirt that her fists are turning white. I try to sooth her by rubbing my hands over her back and kissing her hair. I think of something to say, anything to take her mind off of the flashing cameras and lies. "I'm sorry I've been so cranky and impatient with you. My frustration is my problem, not yours. I'm ashamed of myself, for not wanting to accept, 'no' as an answer."

She pulls away and avoids eye contact. I was stupid enough a few nights ago to kiss her. I knew that enough time hadn't passed and that she was still afraid, yet I still made a move on her.

We were cleaning up after dinner and joking with each other. It hadn't taken long for us to settle in to the new apartment with Hana. I had grown comfortable pretending that we were a family. They had only been living with me for two days though and I knew, I know, Nana isn't convinced of my sobriety. She doesn't trust in happy endings.

"I didn't say 'no' I said we can't. You never listen." It's been like this ever since I kissed her. We can't be in the same room without fighting. I'm frustrated by her closeness and she's afraid of getting closer. "Now we have to deal with those camera toting stalkers! How long will it take before they break down that gate and knock down the door? Hana and I should go home."

Annoyed I shoot a glare at her. "You can go but my daughter is staying here. Seven years is a long time to make up for." It's shameful to use my daughter as leverage but I know Nana will never actually leave her. "As for the paparazzi they've been on us since we got here. It's Yasu and Takumi's fault for making us move in here."

"Whatever, you're late for work. Go away already." I contemplate obeying her just so I won't have to be stuck her fighting.

"What are you going on about now? I can't leave when the mosquitoes are so riled up. What if they break down that door?" I sneak up behind her to lay a kiss on her shoulder. "I have to be here to protect you." There's a light blush coloring her cheeks but I know she'll deny it and throw me off if I linger too long. "Hana, stop spying and come out here. Daddy wants to watch anime too."

"We're done talking? What about the paparazzi, is it really alright if we just stay in here and let them makeup stories?" I roll my eyes at her and catch my daughter in my arms when she runs out from behind her bedroom door.

"What are we watching?" I ask taking her over to the couch. She chooses a romance with an oddly psychotic main character. Half way through the second episode, Nana finally decides to join us. She doesn't look happy that I ignored her question.

"If we keep fighting Hana will get some sort of complex about love. This girl has one and I don't want my daughter to be broken like that." I say, sure that Hana is too engrossed in her show to listen to us, but who knows with her. She's probably more aware of the situation than she lets on. "As for the mosquitoes, Takumi can deal with it. He needs a distraction from his divorce anyway." Nana's eyes grow large and curious at the mention of her former best friend's broken marriage. "Don't act surprised, we all knew what he was doing behind her back. She's waiting for you to call her by the way." There is a slight tone of disappointment in my voice despite my not wanting to sound like I'm scolding her.

She hasn't made any attempt to see anyone since that first day. Not even Nobu who has stopped by every day to see her. I should mention that he and Hachi have been seeing each other and Nobu has mixed up feelings about it. Nobu needs a friend more than Hachi and I can't be that for him. I wish I could shake some sense into Nana for him, it isn't fair of her to ignore the boy who has always been there for her.

Pressure on my arm startles me out of my thoughts. A hand squeezes my shoulder as if asking for something. Sad brown eyes look up at me and I nearly fall apart at the sight.

"Oh Nana," I take her under my arm and she rests her body against me silently crying. Her fears radiate off of her, and her voice trembles as she whispers, 'keep trying please,' into my ear. I kiss her head, holding on to her tightly as our daughter sings along to the theme song from her place in my lap.


	13. Kiss Me

Nana

"Official story, memorize it." I sneer at Takumi as he hands me a thick script. "More importantly, official replies. Safe replies that don't involve telling people to burn in hell, or to go f themselves." Giving him an annoyed smile I snatch the stack of sample questions and replies from his hands. Why does he have to be involved?

The story that we're supposed to tell people is pretty simple. I went away to raise our baby out of the view of the public. Ren stayed behind to take care of his drug problem, but he would visit us often under the rouse that he was working in England. I only came back to Tokyo because I had become lonely being without Ren for so long while he worked on his first solo album and acted in guest spots. Hana and I have to pretend that Ren has known about her the whole time and knew exactly where we were. I know it's being done to protect me from ridicule but I can't help but think that my little girl might get hurt telling everyone this lie. Saying she had known her father all her life, and also that I had been a decent mother.

"So mommy and daddy have to act like a couple?" Hana asks as cheerful as ever. Is she hiding her pain or does she just not realize how much she'll have to lie.

"In front of the cameras yes." Takumi replies surprisingly tender towards her. "And I suppose it would make sense if at least Satsuki and you become closer friends. We'll tell the reporters you've always been close because your moms are both such good friends."

Well that makes sense, but that would mean, "I have to make amends with Ha... I mean Nana." I say bowing my head with a sigh. I am afraid of seeing her more than anyone else.

I'm still scared. What if we can never be friends again? What if when we are alone all of my anger and pettiness boils up to the surface and I pick a fight with her? I still don't know if I can forgive her for walking out on me when I was on my knees begging for her help. Her one condition was that I leave Ren, but I couldn't then. I let her leave me instead. Hachi is like Ren, she doesn't fight back with me and let go of all my harsh words. Ren is an expert at fighting with me, and he learned a long time ago how to subdue me when I lash out too much.

"Will they have to kiss?" What is that girl going on about now? That was only one time and I don't feel that way about Hachi. "During interviews to prove that they're still together, will they hold hands and stare longingly into each other's eyes. Then be so captivated by one another that they forget where they are. Slowly they'll lean in and mommy will grip daddy's jacket to try and compose herself but it'll be too late. She's lost in his soulful eyes. They're in their own world where only they exist and daddy will gently cup her neck and," I clamp a hand over her mouth deciding that sometime later today I need to check the books and manga she's been reading.

"People don't really want to see other people kissing Hana. We'll sit beside each other. Answer some questions, then present you to all the cameras. Soon you'll hate them just as much as I do and wish that you hadn't reveled yourself to them, but what's done is done. Now, we've wasted a whole morning and afternoon waiting for Takumi and his helpful lies, come help me make a late lunch."

"No actually, it might be a good idea to play up your relationship." Takumi has to open his dumb mouth." Your story is that you missed him, so you especially have to be extra clingy. Hang onto his arm, kiss his cheek, you know be the possessive psycho he fell in love with." I smile and give him a mocking laugh. "Why do you hate me so much?" He asks shaking his head.

I roll my eyes practically dragging Hana away from him. He's too fatherly, I had expected him to be the kind of man who thought children were a nuisance. Only to be seen and not heard but his delinquent son proves otherwise. I lost count of how many times little Ren has made a snide remark to his father but Takumi plays it off as being cute. He's so loving with his son I can almost see what Hachi saw in him.

"I'm really a nice guy you know." Takumi follows Hana and I to the kitchen. "Nana misses you. She keeps herself really busy though and," he grips my arm stopping me from going into the kitchen with Hana.

"Let go." I growl glaring up at him. His grip tightens. "Let go of me or I'll kick you. Then you can explain to Ren why I did it."

"Shut up!" He releases my arm but stands in my way. "Do you know what it took to put Ren back together when you left? You were supposed to abort the baby and come back. I didn't give you that money so you could ditch Ren. I didn't help you so that Yasu and I would be left to pick up the mess you two made."

"I thought he was going to die. I couldn't kill the only thing I had left of him." I shouldn't have to explain myself to him but I do. He did help me after all. I couldn't ask anybody else for that kind of money without telling them why and receiving some kind of resistance. As far as Takumi was concerned it was my decision and Cookie had owed Ren money.

"Then you should have come back. Was Ren so easy to replace?" Disgusted at the suggestion that Kenta could ever take Ren's place I shove past Takumi. "Nana." He stops me again with a gentler hand and expression than before. "Ren missed you, and it would be great if you could mend things with him, but you can't keep ignoring all of your friends. Nana misses you." He almost sounds human, as if he has emotions. "You raised a good kid, if no one else has thanked you then I will. You have no idea how worried we all have been about Ren. He hasn't smiled since you left. Thank you for making him happy again." He leaves me in the hallway a mask of indifference on his face.

I never knew that lying cheat cared about anyone other than Reira. It makes sense though now that I think about it, Ren is easy to love. Takumi never intended for me to abort the baby. He must have known that I never would because he had given me enough money to last a little over eight months on a budget. Even if he is a cheater, I no longer think he's a bad person.

"You worry too much, mommy." Hana says climbing on the counter to reach the spices. "Kenta said that his dad was the same way. Always afraid that everyone would hate him or that he would hurt people. So the idiot would be mean on purpose to keep people away. In the end his fears came true, Kenta called it a self-fulfilling something or other."

"Prophecy." I supply the word for her, wishing Kenta was here.

He went home to work but I could call him if I wanted. He always has a story to tell about his father, or a strange doctor trick to get me to calm down. It's weird how comfortable I am with him but there's never been anything weird between us. Maybe I'm just too hopelessly obsessed with Ren to notice any other man. How can I think of anyone else when all I can think of is those guitar calloused hands and that seductive look in his eyes?

"Mommy are you thinking of doing naughty things with daddy? You're blushing." I touch my face embarrassed to be caught by my own daughter.

"What naughty things? I'll take all of your manga away if you keep talking like that." I'm turning into such a mom it's annoying.

Hana takes out vegetables and some meat to make her favorite dish. For so long she's been the one taking care of me while Kenta was at work. He taught her how to cook and clean and I think he even gave her the ability to shut out all of the negative things that she should be feeling living such an adult life. I'm a little jealous that he's been a better mom than I could have ever hoped to be. He was the kind of mom that I had always wished I could have.

"Hana," I take the large knife from her before she can cut the carrots. "Go watch tv with daddy. I'll cook." I want to be the kind of mom for Hana, that Ren and I had wished for as children. Just like Ren tries to be the father we both always wanted.

Hana kisses my cheek before jumping down and running to jump onto Ren's lap. I hear a pained grunt indicating she landed in a sensitive spot. I struggle to hold in a laugh as I listen to Ren excuse himself and Takumi laugh. Little Ren tells Hana not to worry about stupid adult issues so much and to just watch the funny pirates with him. I kind of don't like that kid, he likes my daughter too much. I think I'd rather have Satsuki over than him.

"Ow, that girl has too much energy." Ren enters the kitchen heading straight for the fridge to grab a cold beer. I raise a brow at this, he places the can over his genitals as way of explanation. "It hurts."

"You shouldn't do that." I say not really sure if that's the proper way to heal a man who's been hit hard below the belt. Ren shrugs leaning against the wall. Feeling devious I place down the knife I'd been using to cut up vegetables and turn on him with a lusty smile. "Want me to kiss it better?" I lower my voice knowing how much he loves to be teased.

"Yeah, actually that'd be great." He teases back returning the beer to the fridge.

I remove all emotion from my face and fix him with a bored stare. "Don't think dirty thoughts with children in the other room." Ren chuckles wrapping his arms around me waist and kissing the side of my head.

"There will be a child in the other room for the rest of our life. Am I never supposed to think of you on your knees again? Should I stop imagining how cutely your face flushes as you kiss you way down from my lips to my neck, all over my chest," he half sighs half moans in my ear. "I miss the way your tongue feels travelling along my stomach to get to my…" he doesn't have to finish to receive the red hot blush he was aiming for. He doesn't have to finish to get me to remember the taste of him in my mouth. A phantom of his taste still lingers on my tongue making my thighs quiver with need.

"I really hate you." He kisses my head again, releasing a small laugh against my temple.

"Really? Because I could fall in love with you every day for the rest of our life together."

"Oh I'm so sure. Cheesy, romance loving bastard." I shove him away but it isn't a rough angry shove it's a playful I have to finish cooking sort of shove which he ignores, coming right back to hold me and nuzzle his nose right below my ear.

"Okay, I'll go to the bathroom and leave you to the cooking. I guess eating is more important than playing right now."

So he says but he doesn't show any signs that he's actually going to let me go. I look at him from the corner of my eye to see that his eyes are closed. He looks content and it's hard to believe that I managed to keep myself away from this beautiful creature for so many years. How had I been able to live without him? Shy I push up on my tiptoes a bit to kiss his cheek. His eyes don't open but his smile widens. I return to the vegetable and when he finally leaves me I can't help but feel a little empty. I feel frustrated that he can reduce me to a needy love sick woman. At the same time the warmth that lingers where his arms had been makes me feel safe.

I try to remember that feeling of safety the next day when we are forced to face the stalkers and their cameras. Hachi is here with her two kids and Takumi. They almost look happy to see each other. I inwardly cringe with the knowledge that everyone is playing along to help me avoid ridicule and public disgrace,

"Breath." Ren whispers against my throbbing temple. I squeeze his hand closing my eyes against the blinding flashes of the cameras. His words from last night are so fresh in my mind, it hurts to stand beside him. It's a bitter sweet pain full of regrets and longing. Would he really love me for the rest of our lives? Could things be so simple? I look to Hana sitting smiling from her place on her father's shoulders, right where she belongs.

A heavy sigh escapes me and I inwardly cringe knowing that the cameras have captured the moment of weakness. I will be bombarded about that, both by the reporters and probably Takumi. My thoughts cause me to glance over at him to see if he noticed, but he's busy playing his part with his arm around his wife answering questions. We all have to wear our big fake smiles and pretend. This is what I didn't want for Hana. The feeling of Ren's hand tightening around mine alerts me to my surroundings again. The cameras have stopped and everyone is looking to me expectantly. I look up at Ren pleading for help. He laughs and begins to speak to the reporters. His hand releases mine so that he can wrap me in his arms. This is all too much for me. I squeeze my eyes closed turning away from the media to hide my face in Ren's jacket. Their voices are a muffled buzz that I have to ignore, or else I might choke up and die.

I can hear the voices of my classmates accusing me of being a prostitute. In the voices of those camera flashing peeping toms I hear my mother say she doesn't want me, and my grandmother berate me for being just like her. I tremble at the thought of the media saying that I turned out to be just like her after all. A terrible excuse for a woman who didn't have it in her to love her own child.

A small hand touches my face and soft words of reassurance are breathed into my ear. Hana has climbed down from Ren's shoulders to settle in his arms with me. I reach out and bring her to my chest, desperate to protect her from all the cruel thoughts these people will have about the two of us.


End file.
